Saturday, May 16, 2009

5 Months to Go Before the Big Wedding Day

So here I am, on a Saturday night, not out, not watching some great movie with friends, or reading a book... I'm mindlessly sifting through a thousand different magazines trying to find the most perfect hairstyle, the most blissfully rendering magnets, and oh what about a photographer...? That's right, the chicks out there have guessed it. Men are sitting there playing a PS3 hockey game, completely oblivious to whatever the hell I'm talking about as I pull out my pink binder, oh so especially reserved for all items WEDDING. That's right, bitches. I'm getting MARRIED.

Oh yeah, I've been down this road before. I've wedded before, and divorced already, and I feel freakin' old. Who plans a bigger wedding the 2nd time around? Why, when you're older than the groom, of course. And it's his first (and last, dammit) wedding. Thank God he's patient with me. So I'm plowing through all of the magazines, I've watched all of the wedding shows on everything from WEtv to the Style Network -- I'm a flippin' expert at this point. Granted, I dream about being a wedding planner, but after the week I've had, who wants to get all of these nasty crazy headaches for someone else's wedding? I might be the one yelled at, after all. I do not do well with that nonsense. Oh you don't like the programs I put together?? Bring it! Let's do this, I can throw down! (Me = Never been in a fight before).
Here's the timeline: less than 5 months before my wedding date. I jump onto my wedding website, and the handy-dandy timer that they have on the site kindly tells you how many actual days you have left. Like a poor man's shuttle launch countdown, for cryin' out loud. The intent is to just give you a quick little reminder that oh, no worries, you dumb crazy moron, YOU HAVE 147 DAYS LEFT AS OF TODAY!!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?? WHAT CAN YOU CHECK OFF OF YOUR STUPID LIST?????? WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A COLOR SCHEME AND THEME YET????????

Not the least bit stressed out. Not one. (SUCH BS). In fact, I'm doing okay on my list: - Venue for ceremony - check. - Venue for reception - check. - Caterer - check. - Officiant secured - check.

Okay, I went easy on myself, venues and caterer are the same for all three. That's right, every Catholic in the world can now shudder in complete and utter disappointment that I am getting married at a hotel, and not a church. Ugh. A hotel? (Did this song just go through your head, "Whatcha doin'? Nothin' chillin' at the Holiday EEEN....") And as far as the officiant? My good buddy from college and friend for the past 12 years. Asking him to perform the service felt just as nerve-wracking as I'm sure Jason (the fiance) felt in getting ready for proposing to me. Thank goodness he said yes.

I'm trying to save some dollars since I'm paying for this little shindig myself, but one thing I was not skimping on was the venue for the hotel and reception. I didn't want my guests schlepping all over kingdom come to see my old, sorry ass get married. So, I booked it at a resort and spa, and said F- OFF to crazy decorations. Rent linens?? What linens? For what? I mean here's the scenery! The beach is right behind the hotel, the guests can comment on the beach all dang night long, no one's going to give one hoo-hah about whether or not I had just the right color linens.
The details are in the freakin' beach and you can dang well enjoy the sunset, sunrise, cool breezes, gourmet food and free alcohol... although there's always ONE guy. ONE guy who's going to turn to his date and brilliantly spit out that "Oh really, what the hell are those in the center of the table?? Are those seriously a centerpiece?? Looks like the beach threw up in a vase, stuck a candle in it, and called it a wedding!" (Please note that more than likely it would be a chick saying this, and I know which bitch it is. And no it's not YOU. Okay, maybe it is you). So okay. 147 DAYS UNTIL YOUR WEDDING, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE???? Wedding and reception location, caterer, and officiant -- check. Wedding dress -- check. I would describe my dress but my nosy fiance keeps looking over my shoulder as he plays his hockey game (yes, that's the dude I was talking about earlier that wouldn't get I was talking about) and he actually has a pretty good visual mind's eye that he would probably know exactly what my dress looks like. I mean, we've been together 5 years, I thought for sure we would be Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell forever. But, 5 years into this, he really can read my mind. Freaky. So no dress description for you. So here's the week:
  • I called a close contact of mine to get a number of a referral for flowers. No call back from the close contact. None.
  • I called the wedding coordinator for the site to ask about some additional details. No call back.
  • Because I have not one single ability in putting make-up on myself other than eyeliner and cherry chapstick, I called a make-up artist that comes highly recommended. Ring, ring, ring, crossing my fingers, pick up, up, up. Answering machine. Leave message (2nd freaking message for this one).
  • Oh! Here's another make-up artist that is recommended from one of those wedding referral/resource websites! Ring, ring, ring, crossing my fingers, pick up, pick up, PICK UP!! Voicemail. And she's on vacation for two weeks. I'm sure she deserves vacation, not questioning that. It's just that hello, I have 147 days left until my wedding, and if I have to do my own make-up, I will look like a Wahlgreen's advertisement gone BAD, and there will be pictures that will forever document the reality of my lack-of-being-a-chick-abilities....!! Oh, please come back from your vacation, I need to check this off of my freakin' list...
The only saving grace that I had this week was that I selected a photographer. She's young, she's hip, she's modern, she studied high fashion photography and now does these modern wedding photos, I've seen her portfolio (OMG she's totally perfect). Of course, because my fiance can never say yes to anyone selling anything the first time around, I had to walk away with the contract in my hand, unsigned, promising that I would Facebook connect with her, and hint hint, please block off your schedule for October 10th. Oh, yeah, that's right, babe. I know you want to "research" other photographers, but come on, she just gets me. (I have secretly signed the contract, and will be emailing it to her tomorrow. Mwahahaha).

So. Wedding photographer - check. (Unbeknownst to Jason, though.) Tomorrow, it will be 146 days.